The Effects of Turquoise

Just Being Polite

One of my students invited me to his birthday party.  Since he is learning English, this was done through a translation App. We were having a tough time with the details, so I spoke with his dad to clarify. He said "Do you want to come?"  I told him that I did, but I wanted to make sure they actually wanted me to come. I explained that I was checking to make sure it was an actual invite and not just polite banter. He said "No, you can come."  It dawned on me that perhaps, in his culture, people don't invite others to visit unless they really want them to visit.  In America, we certainly invite others to our parties and homes truly intending to host them, but we also have a habit of inviting people but not sincerely wanting them to come. This is a strange social interaction we sometimes practice. It goes a little something like this:

Person 1: "Hi!  How have you been?  I haven't seen you in forever.  How is your family?  Do you still live in Webb City?"

Person 2: "It's so good to see you!  My family is doing great. We are still in the same place. You should come over some time.  We'd love to have you visit."

Person 1: "That sounds great. Let's do that.  I'd love to have you over to our place too."

That is usually the extent of it. Often there is no follow through. We invite as a polite interaction, but we don't really intend for a true visit to occur. Sometimes we do, but many times we are just being nice.  We say "let's get together" or "you should bring the kids over to swim" or "we should get dinner" but we are just filling in the empty space with polite chitchat. It is an odd practice, and I wonder how many other cultures participate in this ritual.  Even more interesting is how many would find this charade offensive?  It's fascinating.  I once had a professor tell me, as an immigrant to the US, the hardest part of interacting with Americans is figuring out what they really mean by what they say. She said Americans are consumed with appearing polite and well-behaved, so it makes it hard to understand many situations. People "tell it as it is" where she is from, which Americans describe as rude and abrasive.  The clash between her cultural behaviors and ours made her frustrated and confused.  Isn't it amazing how being polite can actually be seen as a negative characteristic?  Doesn't it make you question some of our other cultural norms?  What other cultures have the same norms?  How are we different? Who sees us as odd?

Fortunately this invite wasn't a ruse. Instead, it was a genuine request to share in the celebration of a very special person.  I loved being a part of the festivities, and hope to have another opportunity to visit with them again. I truly mean that, I'm not just saying it to be polite!